When analyzing the traffic data of CartoonNetwork.com, Jeff and I found a few surprises in exactly what seemed logical. The traffic of the website spiked on the weekends and was steadily and relatively unvisited during the work/school week. Furthermore, Alexa reported that “cartoonnetwork.com is visited more frequently by females who are in the age range 35-44, have children, received some college education and browse this site from home.”
WHAT? NEWSFLASH: Children are hacking the INTERNET! They have penetrated the very core of web analytics, Alexa Internet. How will we ever judge the web safe when unregistered users under the guises of their middle-aged mothers are crawling the internet, blurring our statistics and reaching as far as Alexa with their unstoppable machinations?
What does this mean for us? It is unavoidable proof that the Internet has applied equality to all humans. Now a mere child can wield what power he will in what we’ve built up as one of the largest free nations in history. The world is his rattle, his action figure, her doll. But that is just now! What may happen in the future?
ANIMALS ON THE INTERNET. It’s logical. It’s going to happen if this trend continues. Some twentysomething blogger might think it cute to put her five-week-old kitten on her keyboard, maybe take a few pictures with the webcam, but this is only the beginning! As mammals, with their advanced brains, are exposed to the technology that permeates every facet of human activity, they will soon learn the ways of the internet, and absolutely NOTHING will stop them.
By chance I have received one of the worst extracts of the English language in the known universe. Here it is, in its complete and original form, verbatim.
“I don’t under stand what I have done to Nate to make him feel so jelous. I am an honest person amd would never do anything to hurt him.I know I have lost his bracelet but I know i will find it soon im almost certain he means allot to me. but when im just trying to help out a friend he gets all angry I don’t understan him. I have known nate for as long as I can remember and never has he acted in such a jealous person I hope things get better soon I don’t know if I can go on much longer on such bad terms with him. Im trying to do so many things right now that I just cant handle What do I do? I will just have to wait this situation out im sure it will pass soon enough.”
Like, what the hell is this even about? Because it sure isn’t about Othello.
The dawning of a new year is and has been marked by the world’s cultures as a special occasion, meriting frivolous celebration and joviality for thousands of years. Across the globe, not always on the same date, but always every 365.25 days, people rejoice in the opportunities and excitement that awaits them in the coming year, waving banners, holding religious and cultural ceremonies, setting off fireworks, just on this one eve. The past is now over; the present is now the future. For this one shining day Earth’s huddled masses can allow themselves to be optimistic, because with the purchase of each new calendar comes the ability to fulfill long pondered goals and dreams. Right?
Well, the thing is, I’ve got some bad news – the new year means nothing. Did you think that your credit card company was going to send you a letter telling you that, since it’s a new year, they’ve decided to lower your rates? Do you think that warlords in Darfur will let their child soldiers go and have a nice dinner with their mothers? Is someone’s cancer going to recede, just because of such a special occasion? And I would assume that the ticking of a hand from one second to another on a clock somewhere in Greenwich will in some way cause world peace and end poverty (just give it a year)? While these admittedly facetious rhetoricals paint a grotesque and seemingly unrealistic portrait of our naïve expectations regarding the new year, they are not far off the mark. As the new year comes, I look around me and see nothing but excitement about the things the future of 2010 has in store for us. Excitement that I found absent in most people throughout 2009.
The problem that I have with this reactionary optimism to the new year is twofold; on the one hand, I dislike having to witness people almost deliberately dupe themselves (rest assured, that is what they are doing), and on the other, the sense of victory some people feel at the beginning of the year causes in them a debilitating elation that in many ways can hamper the social, scientific, and other progress that they are so prematurely celebrating. The problem is even more pronounced this year(though not as bad as 2000), since this is the beginning of a new decade, the first new decade in 10 years! It seemed like every day for almost a month my media smorgasbord was full of firsts of the decade, bests of the decade, things that happened in the last decade, etc. Hell, I could even say that this is the best essay I’ve written all decade, and technically I’d be telling the truth; it’s the only one so far.
But the real truth is the only reason this specific place in Earth’s orbital path around our star is in any way remarkable is because we arbitrarily label it as such. There is absolutely no noticeable change in such a small time frame that could change anything. The new year is just an excuse, something upon which to heap our unfulfilled prophesies, aspirations, fears, and adoration. The passage of a year is a great reason to give someone a medal, or buy a new car, or make a list of the top ten of something, or “turn over a new leaf”, and we want, need, to do that, because it makes us feel good, feel like accomplished human beings. But in reality, we aren’t incredibly sincere about these thing when we do them around this time, and we don’t like to maintain such a healthy optimism throughout the entire year – that would take too much effort, and we abhor effort. Instead, we use the time around the new year, the new decade, the new era, to let out all of our positive thoughts, so that they don’t get in the way of our lazy cynicism for another 12 months.
Now I don’t think that committing to a new diet, or breaking up an unhealthy relationship, or quitting your dead end job, or being nicer to your mother-in-law, or telling someone how great they are at what they do, are bad things to do. I just think that by waiting to resolve to change ourselves until a period when we can easily forget and fall off the wagon, we do ourselves and the world a huge disservice. When there is a time that everyone uses as a starting point for such large enterprises, failure is always an option – it’s not looked down upon, or mocked. In fact, it could be argued that it is more of an American tradition to drop off our New Year’s resolutions than to maintain and fulfill them. And the thing hindering us from making such great changes has nothing to do with the difficulty of the tasks, or our ability to carry these things out. It is entirely because of our outlook that we fail, and this outlook is inexorably bound with the passing of each year.
Really, all I wish is that we could make New Year’s resolutions every single day of our lives, because in reality every single morning, when we wake up, and every single step that we take as we walk to the bus, and every bite of our morning everything bagel, marks the beginning of a new year, a new decade, a new millennium, and every one of these moments is a moment in which it’s worth it to put our best foot forward. I don’t want the New Year’s celebrations to end; I want them to continue, to carry themselves out unto their final fruition, until through maintaining hope and determination to change, we can do all those things we saved for the failed resolution season, and we can really change the world.
I write a webcomic almost weekdaily at Wizzlefish. Once or twice a week I’ll publish a comic made of images (like the one above), in the style of Superpoop or A Softer World.
These are my favorite comics to write, because they’re both easy, and most hilarious. I’m told by my friends that the comedic value of this particular genre of webcomic is much higher than the others. But why is this?
This type of comic is straightforward, colorful, and easy to digest. Your average person spends, what, 2-4 seconds on a website, and if there isn’t something there to grab their attention, it’s not worth looking for it. My black and white comics with large blocks of text, a la Dinosaur Comics are funny, but they take work. The average cybergoer isn’t looking for work unless they are some sort of scholar, but in the business of webcomics, you’re audience isn’t really a bunch of intellectuals. Or maybe it is. Regardless, comic books, graphic novels, and webcomics were designed originally for quick consumption. Modern comics come in $3 magazines, eventually published as trade paperbacks that take you a few hours to read at most.
But further than that, these comics are made from photographs, mostly. Actual digital representations of people and scenery who are alive and human, not illustrations. They aren’t creations of man, they are man itself, and that is an entirely new dimension of humanity to relate to. It’s much easier to relate to an actual living person captured by a photograph than an artist’s interpretation.
So where am I going? Comedic imagery is one of the most important facets of comedy. You can’t just tell a good story and expect people to laugh. Or, you can, but the joke won’t last, the people won’t remember the story. You need images, descriptions, characterization to fully sell a joke. And what better imagery and description to use than actual images?
A good example would be memes, most of which come about in the form of captioned images. These bits of comedy arise from the stagnant cesspool called 4chan, and some of them are actually funny and make you laugh. They wouldn’t work without the images themselves, that’s what the joke is built upon. You can’t just say, “oh so there’s a cat and it’s jumping in midair and it looks like it’s riding a bicycle, like an invisible one, yeah?” That wouldn’t work. You need the picture. You need substance. You need 1000 more words.
Which do you like more, the image comics of Wizzlefish, or the regular ones?
So this “Avatar” movie is now the highest-grossing film of all time. So most people like it. It is no secret to those who know me though, that I have within me a fiery hatred for that movie usually reserved for telemarketers and precocious children. So instead of retreading why I dislike the movie so much, here is my revised draft of Avatar.
Also, I am not going to look up any of the plot points I forgot, so whatever.
Terminator/Crippled guy Jake Sully doesn’t have working legs, and is an ex-marine. Even though it’s really far in the future and mankind has mastered both space travel AND giant kickass robot building, Jake still uses a wheelchair that looks like it belongs in the 1870s.
Jake's wheelchair, back when it had the lead role in Gone With The Wind.
Pandora is a planet inhabited by a variety of freaky animal and plant life. Just some of the planet’s inhabitants are giant blue elves, purple rhinoceri, and angry cougar things that snarl alot. Also, all the plants make noise when they are touched and look like they belong in Timothy Leary’s dreams.
Jake’s brother was a fancy scientist fellow working for science/The Man, and trying to discover a way to communicate with the elves. Through the majesty of computer animation and biogenetics, the scientists create what they so cleverly dub as “avatars”-giant blue elves that are only mobile whilst someone is operating them from an MRI. In a stroke of scientific brilliance, these gajillion dollar “avatars” are only compatible with the specific DNA of whom they were designed for. Jake’s brother was supposed to be one of these “avatar” users, until he spontaneously combust under mysterious circumstances, and died.
Luckily though, Jake’s brother had a brother. Jake. And brothers share enough of the same DNA that Jake can use the Avatar meant for his brother. So Jake is approached by the Government to go “avataring” in his brother’s stead. At first, Jake declines, but after watching his brother’s corpse stuck in a cardboard box and cremated, set to a heartfelt, introspective melody, Jake agrees to go to Pandora.
The big deal with Pandora is that it has a crazy mineral/gem/rock there called Unobtanium. And the big deal with Unbtanium is that it’s worth a lot of money because it does something….exciting. You see, future-Earth isn’t Star Trek: The Next Generation future-Earth, where mankind has moved past wants. This is Huxley/Orwell dystopian future where everyone is probably an asshole to each other.
So once Jake gets to Pandora he meets the scientist people. Which consist of the Indian Guy with a Fro and Glasses, Important Science Woman who bitches a lot but probably just uses her cold outward appearance to stop people from seeing her true self, and the other guy with an “avatar” who probably spent all of his youth playing alone in his basement. When the scientists first meet Jake, they’re all kinda “What the hell? How can a crippled Jarhead be of any use to us?!” But what they don’t realize until later is that while Jake’s legs don’t work, his heart still does.
Then Jake goes and meets the marine-folk, led by scarred badass general Guy Who Played Stonewall Jackson in Gods and Generals, heretofore referred to as Jackson. Jackson thinks the scientists are all pansies trying to screw over his military operation with their peacenik “love” and “communication” nonsense, and tells Jake that if he spies on the scientists/blue people for the Marines, Jackson will make sure Jake gets working legs.
Jackson, seen here with Robert E. Lee.
Soon enough, Jake goes on his first trip in the MRI and becomes an “avatar”. After getting used to being able to walk again and being a blue elf, Jake gets lost in the forest and sassy, plays-by-her-own-rules pilot girl-who-played-Anna Lucia-on Lost is unable to find him. Because he is, dare I say..Lost.
That night, as Jake is wondering about in the forest, he gets attacked by pygmie dog wolf things, but before the wolves can feast upon his innards, Uhura from the Star Trek remake comes and saves him. Only she isn’t Uhura, because she is blue and lives in a forest. Uhura is angry that Jake would have the audacity to try and protect himself from man-eating animals, but Jake follows her back to her home anyway because it’s not like he has any better plans.
Back at the alien’s home (which is also a giant tree), Jake meets the King and Queen of the blue people. Apparently, humans have tried to communicate with them before, because the “Na’vi” (as they are called) are suspicious of Jake, who convinces the Na’vi that he is a warrior and maybe if they work together they can overcome whatever struggles they may face. We also meet the guy that Uhura is engaged to, who is also blue and elvish, which sets up the bizzare love triangle that will soon unfold, because the sexual tension betwixt Jake and Uhura is already thick as thieves. ALSO, once upon a time one of the old Na’vi chief people rode a dragon and united all of the other blue clans together, but no one talks to the other clans now. And I personally did not even realize there were other clans until 30 minutes before the movie ended.
Uhura is tasked with teaching Jake the way of the Na’vi, which includes riding animals, and having sex with the planet non-stop, thanks to some freaky tentacles that the Na’vi, as well as everything else on the planet have, which bonds them together or somesuch nonsense. Anyway, Jake sucks at riding horses, and his skill at seducing the forest is initially subpar, but it’ll improve later on. Because if he didn’t improve he’d never be able to lead the Na’vi against the white man OH WAIT DID I SPOIL THE STORY BECAUSE IT’S OBVIOUS WHAT’LL HAPPEN TWO SECONDS INTO THE FILM.
Anywho, Jake continues reporting what he discovers to the marines and Jackson, and slowly winning over the sciency folk with his good teamwork and winning attitude. Eventually, our super science team relocates themselves to a mountain. Or it might be a floating island thing. And then Jake and Uhura fall in love and fornicate amongst the trees. Also, Jake learns how to ride a lizard-dragon thing which is kinda cool. AND THINGS THINGS TAKE A TURN FOR THE AWESOME.
Basically, by now the Man and the Marines have decided they’re tired of pussyfooting around the whole “indigenous peoples being in their way” thing, and seeing as Jake gave them all the nifty tactical info they needed to destroy the Hometree, they decide to launch an attack. Unless Jake can convince the Na’vi to leave their home. Which he attempts to do by telling everyone that he totally screwed them over, but he’s changed. He’s no longer the cripple, ex-marine who plays by his own rules. Now, he’s discovered that the only rules he needs to play by are his heart’s. But naturally, the Na’vi don’t take too kindly to learning that the fellow they’ve been trusting around their home all this time is completely responsible for the bitch-slapping that is about to ensue, and they banish him, and Uhura bitches at him because she thought Jake loved her and whatnot.
AND THEN SHIT GETS REAL.
Jackson and his marine folk blow the living hell up out of the Na’vi’s home. Except Anna Lucia decides that she’s too good to destroy the home of thousands of elves whose only crime was being too dumb to not mess with Earth. Also, Uhura’s dad get’s killed in the destruction, which of course, makes her even more angry at Jake. So now the Na’vi have to go and migrate to another part of the planet.
Artist rendition of what happened.
And in the non-blue people part of the planet, Jake, Sigourney Weaver and that loser guy are taken capture by Jackson’s forces. All hope seems lost until Anna Lucia busts them out of their prison, and the gang is pretty happy about all that until it turns out Jackson shot Sigourney Weaver WHO IS DYING because bullets kill.
It is at this point Jake, now back in Avatar form, decides the only way he’ll be able to overcome the fiendish white man is by bringing all of the elven clans together, by uniting them all under the one ring a giant dragon. Once Uhura and the Na’vi see the dragon, they realize Jake is actually the king of Gondor only hope they have left. Also, the Na’vi try to transfer Sigourney Weaver’s consciousness into her avatar, but she dies before they suceed.
So in an 80s style Montage involving Jake riding a dragon, he convinces the other elves to band together, and that the only way they can survive is if they look past their differences. Because friendship is bulletproof.
While Jake is getting all the wood-folk together, the Man decides to end the Na’vi menace once and for all by destroying another ridiculous religious symbol. Soon enough, a fight ensues, and while it initially looks like the humans will be able to throw off the yolk of the opressive elves, the forest decides to unleash all the crazy animals to attack the humans, and the Na’vi win. While this is happening, Jackson, the last bastion of truth and justice remaining on the planet, is mercilessly slaughtered by Jake and Uhura.
In the end, all of the humans are kicked off the planet, and Jake, blissfully unaware of the fact he just committed THE BIGGEST ACT OF TREASON EVER, is declared King/Vicar whatever the hell type of political system the Na’vi have.
This happiness is short lived however, because days later the entire planet is glassed by a series of nuclear explosions, and everyone dies.
The end.
If that last part were true, Avatar would be my favourite movie of all time. But it isn’t.
