You are delving into the archives. Tread lightly; Shub-Niggurath and Her Thousand Young dwell near.
So this “Avatar” movie is now the highest-grossing film of all time. So most people like it. It is no secret to those who know me though, that I have within me a fiery hatred for that movie usually reserved for telemarketers and precocious children. So instead of retreading why I dislike the movie so much, here is my revised draft of Avatar.
Also, I am not going to look up any of the plot points I forgot, so whatever.
Terminator/Crippled guy Jake Sully doesn’t have working legs, and is an ex-marine. Even though it’s really far in the future and mankind has mastered both space travel AND giant kickass robot building, Jake still uses a wheelchair that looks like it belongs in the 1870s.
Jake's wheelchair, back when it had the lead role in Gone With The Wind.
Pandora is a planet inhabited by a variety of freaky animal and plant life. Just some of the planet’s inhabitants are giant blue elves, purple rhinoceri, and angry cougar things that snarl alot. Also, all the plants make noise when they are touched and look like they belong in Timothy Leary’s dreams.
Jake’s brother was a fancy scientist fellow working for science/The Man, and trying to discover a way to communicate with the elves. Through the majesty of computer animation and biogenetics, the scientists create what they so cleverly dub as “avatars”-giant blue elves that are only mobile whilst someone is operating them from an MRI. In a stroke of scientific brilliance, these gajillion dollar “avatars” are only compatible with the specific DNA of whom they were designed for. Jake’s brother was supposed to be one of these “avatar” users, until he spontaneously combust under mysterious circumstances, and died.
Luckily though, Jake’s brother had a brother. Jake. And brothers share enough of the same DNA that Jake can use the Avatar meant for his brother. So Jake is approached by the Government to go “avataring” in his brother’s stead. At first, Jake declines, but after watching his brother’s corpse stuck in a cardboard box and cremated, set to a heartfelt, introspective melody, Jake agrees to go to Pandora.
The big deal with Pandora is that it has a crazy mineral/gem/rock there called Unobtanium. And the big deal with Unbtanium is that it’s worth a lot of money because it does something….exciting. You see, future-Earth isn’t Star Trek: The Next Generation future-Earth, where mankind has moved past wants. This is Huxley/Orwell dystopian future where everyone is probably an asshole to each other.
So once Jake gets to Pandora he meets the scientist people. Which consist of the Indian Guy with a Fro and Glasses, Important Science Woman who bitches a lot but probably just uses her cold outward appearance to stop people from seeing her true self, and the other guy with an “avatar” who probably spent all of his youth playing alone in his basement. When the scientists first meet Jake, they’re all kinda “What the hell? How can a crippled Jarhead be of any use to us?!” But what they don’t realize until later is that while Jake’s legs don’t work, his heart still does.
Then Jake goes and meets the marine-folk, led by scarred badass general Guy Who Played Stonewall Jackson in Gods and Generals, heretofore referred to as Jackson. Jackson thinks the scientists are all pansies trying to screw over his military operation with their peacenik “love” and “communication” nonsense, and tells Jake that if he spies on the scientists/blue people for the Marines, Jackson will make sure Jake gets working legs.
Jackson, seen here with Robert E. Lee.
Soon enough, Jake goes on his first trip in the MRI and becomes an “avatar”. After getting used to being able to walk again and being a blue elf, Jake gets lost in the forest and sassy, plays-by-her-own-rules pilot girl-who-played-Anna Lucia-on Lost is unable to find him. Because he is, dare I say..Lost.
That night, as Jake is wondering about in the forest, he gets attacked by pygmie dog wolf things, but before the wolves can feast upon his innards, Uhura from the Star Trek remake comes and saves him. Only she isn’t Uhura, because she is blue and lives in a forest. Uhura is angry that Jake would have the audacity to try and protect himself from man-eating animals, but Jake follows her back to her home anyway because it’s not like he has any better plans.
Back at the alien’s home (which is also a giant tree), Jake meets the King and Queen of the blue people. Apparently, humans have tried to communicate with them before, because the “Na’vi” (as they are called) are suspicious of Jake, who convinces the Na’vi that he is a warrior and maybe if they work together they can overcome whatever struggles they may face. We also meet the guy that Uhura is engaged to, who is also blue and elvish, which sets up the bizzare love triangle that will soon unfold, because the sexual tension betwixt Jake and Uhura is already thick as thieves. ALSO, once upon a time one of the old Na’vi chief people rode a dragon and united all of the other blue clans together, but no one talks to the other clans now. And I personally did not even realize there were other clans until 30 minutes before the movie ended.
Uhura is tasked with teaching Jake the way of the Na’vi, which includes riding animals, and having sex with the planet non-stop, thanks to some freaky tentacles that the Na’vi, as well as everything else on the planet have, which bonds them together or somesuch nonsense. Anyway, Jake sucks at riding horses, and his skill at seducing the forest is initially subpar, but it’ll improve later on. Because if he didn’t improve he’d never be able to lead the Na’vi against the white man OH WAIT DID I SPOIL THE STORY BECAUSE IT’S OBVIOUS WHAT’LL HAPPEN TWO SECONDS INTO THE FILM.
Anywho, Jake continues reporting what he discovers to the marines and Jackson, and slowly winning over the sciency folk with his good teamwork and winning attitude. Eventually, our super science team relocates themselves to a mountain. Or it might be a floating island thing. And then Jake and Uhura fall in love and fornicate amongst the trees. Also, Jake learns how to ride a lizard-dragon thing which is kinda cool. AND THINGS THINGS TAKE A TURN FOR THE AWESOME.
Basically, by now the Man and the Marines have decided they’re tired of pussyfooting around the whole “indigenous peoples being in their way” thing, and seeing as Jake gave them all the nifty tactical info they needed to destroy the Hometree, they decide to launch an attack. Unless Jake can convince the Na’vi to leave their home. Which he attempts to do by telling everyone that he totally screwed them over, but he’s changed. He’s no longer the cripple, ex-marine who plays by his own rules. Now, he’s discovered that the only rules he needs to play by are his heart’s. But naturally, the Na’vi don’t take too kindly to learning that the fellow they’ve been trusting around their home all this time is completely responsible for the bitch-slapping that is about to ensue, and they banish him, and Uhura bitches at him because she thought Jake loved her and whatnot.
AND THEN SHIT GETS REAL.
Jackson and his marine folk blow the living hell up out of the Na’vi’s home. Except Anna Lucia decides that she’s too good to destroy the home of thousands of elves whose only crime was being too dumb to not mess with Earth. Also, Uhura’s dad get’s killed in the destruction, which of course, makes her even more angry at Jake. So now the Na’vi have to go and migrate to another part of the planet.
Artist rendition of what happened.
And in the non-blue people part of the planet, Jake, Sigourney Weaver and that loser guy are taken capture by Jackson’s forces. All hope seems lost until Anna Lucia busts them out of their prison, and the gang is pretty happy about all that until it turns out Jackson shot Sigourney Weaver WHO IS DYING because bullets kill.
It is at this point Jake, now back in Avatar form, decides the only way he’ll be able to overcome the fiendish white man is by bringing all of the elven clans together, by uniting them all under the one ring a giant dragon. Once Uhura and the Na’vi see the dragon, they realize Jake is actually the king of Gondor only hope they have left. Also, the Na’vi try to transfer Sigourney Weaver’s consciousness into her avatar, but she dies before they suceed.
So in an 80s style Montage involving Jake riding a dragon, he convinces the other elves to band together, and that the only way they can survive is if they look past their differences. Because friendship is bulletproof.
While Jake is getting all the wood-folk together, the Man decides to end the Na’vi menace once and for all by destroying another ridiculous religious symbol. Soon enough, a fight ensues, and while it initially looks like the humans will be able to throw off the yolk of the opressive elves, the forest decides to unleash all the crazy animals to attack the humans, and the Na’vi win. While this is happening, Jackson, the last bastion of truth and justice remaining on the planet, is mercilessly slaughtered by Jake and Uhura.
In the end, all of the humans are kicked off the planet, and Jake, blissfully unaware of the fact he just committed THE BIGGEST ACT OF TREASON EVER, is declared King/Vicar whatever the hell type of political system the Na’vi have.
This happiness is short lived however, because days later the entire planet is glassed by a series of nuclear explosions, and everyone dies.
The end.
If that last part were true, Avatar would be my favourite movie of all time. But it isn’t.
Hey, reader, do you have approximately 10 hours free right now? Because if you do, I would highly encourage you use them to watch these five movies. Movies which, while not necessarily my five favorite movies of all time, had a really awesome impact on me, an impact that I want to share with all of you (in no particular order). So, rustle up a few dozen bags of popcorn and sit back in what is hopefully a comfortable chair as I show you some of the most powerful, scariest, and most ridiculous films I’ve ever seen.
1. Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Without a doubt Quentin Tarantino’s masterpiece, Basterds is a cut above Deathproof, Kill Bill, Reservoir Dogs, even Pulp Fiction. To call it satire wouldn’t be entirely correct - there is a certain amount of relish with which Tarantino murders Germans in this film, and the Basterds, played by stereotyped New York Jews, seem to take a true pleasure in laying waste to Nazi scum. In addition to being immaculately conceived and written, this movie features what is by far my favorite Brad Pitt role, ever. Brad Pitt is unique among Hollywood stars in that he often acts in very pulpy movies, a risky move that pays off hugely here. This movie’s script, actors, and gore level take completely advantage of the American subconscious; playing off our inherent loathing of Nazis, it takes violence to beyond extreme and yet paradoxically has us all hooting in joy when a poor German soldier’s head gets blown off. Perhaps that’s the social commentary Tarantino wants us to see. Or maybe he just likes blowing up SS officers as much as we do.
2. The Fall (2006)
The most beautiful movie I have ever seen, hands down. Not hugely known in the mainstream, this movie, directed by well-known Indian music-video/commercial director Tarsem Singh, is a complete trip, and the kind of movie that you will probably only ever see once in your lifetime. Set in early 20th century Los Angeles, the plot follows an injured (and suicidal) stuntman in the hospital and his interactions with a young immigrant orange-picker who has fallen and broken her arm. Plotting to gain the child’s trust in an effort to further his own agenda, the stuntman weaves an immense, fantastic tale for the girl, which grows to almost completely dominate and parallel the real-world plot of the movie. The movie quickly evolves from a silly child-adult bonding story into a sprawling narrative that studies the impulses of hope, revenge, and despondency, all of which are cleverly presented alternately from an adult’s and a child’s point of view. In addition to stunning cinematography and gorgeous settings (the film was shot in a number of countries), the character development is superb, and the drama is honestly tear-jerking. A must, must, must see.
3. Seven (1995)
One of my favorite movies of all time, and what I think is the best ever crime movie. A close second to Basterds in roles that Brad Pitt has played, and one of Morgan Freeman’s most pessimistic, yet poignant, portrayals. The story centers around an unknown serial killer who is killing one victim for each of the seven deadly sins (gluttony, wrath, pride, sloth, greed, lust, and envy for anyone who wasn’t an altar boy), and the dynamic duo of old, seen-it-all cop (Freeman) and young, brazen cop (Pitt). And if the premise wasn’t interesting enough, the movie is extremely well executed, with equal parts action, suspense, and psycho-babble, as well as probably the most mind-blowing ending to any movie ever. Ever. You will crap your pants.
4. Rec (2007)
If you’ve seen Quarantine, then you’ve seen how scary a concept it is to be trapped in a locked off apartment complex with a bunch of zombies, but to see the idea executed at the highest possible quality, you seriously need to pick up Rec. The movie that inspired Quarantine, this Spanish film ranks up there on the scariest movies of all time. Even with the English subtitles on, the tension is palpable, and the ingenious first-person documentary-style cinematography inspires intense creepy crawlies and enables some great compositional setups throughout the movie. The plot is simple, almost minimalist, but to be honest, a simple evil is so much scarier than a complex one. A complex evil had to get that way, had to go through a process, and the process may not always be complete, whereas a simple evil just is. Is not Azathoth, the idiot god, feared above all others in the host of the heavens for his blind power and thirst for chaos?*
5. Kingdom of Heaven (2005)
Remember the middle ages, when badasses were badasses, no matter what religion they belonged to? Kingdom of Heaven takes a new look at a very old issue that is especially relevant in a post-9/11 world, namely; how different are ‘we’ from ‘them’? During the time of the crusades, Jerusalem was considered a city of holy peace, a place were Jews, Christians, and Muslims could co-exist peacefully. However, white western Christians, unsurprisingly hell-bent(haha) on securing complete dominion over inferior races and belief-systems (God, what is it with those white western Christians?), decide to make trouble in the neighborhood. Over the course of a beautifully made and acted film (especially Edward Norton’s role as a leprous king) we discover what barriers truly lie between two ‘opposing’ idealogies.
*If you aren’t familiar with the works of H. P. Lovecraft, master of horror fiction, then you might be a bit confused. Learn some more here.
Warning, warning, *SPOILER ALERT*
I don’t know about you, dear readers, but I was as excited as a baby kangaroo taking gymnastics lessons from a tiger to see the two-hour House season 6 premiere, and I thought that it delivered with the full scripting and acting genius that I’ve come to expect these last 5 seasons, though I have some doubts about the future.
House and some crazy guy that we'll probably never see again.
Now, obviously the show House is about, well, Greg House and his personality. House’s quirky ways are really the essence of the show, as he is a character that we can relate with and be repulsed by at the same time, the dynamic that makes the show as great as it is. In fact, this premiere plays on that more than any so far, since, having been with House for 5 years or so, we know how he works and acts, and expect heavy emphasis on these things. However brilliant Hugh Laurie’s portrayal of this cynical, peoplephobic doctor is, though (and it is brilliant), House (the show and the character) really shines through the interactions between the titular doctor and other people. The most ingenious, and entertaining, device of the show is the way in which the writers have secondary characters react to House’s alternately absurd, tragic, pathetic, and admirable traits.
Unfortunately, the show’s premise and character-developing banter has grown to be, while still well-executed and insightful, a bit predictable. For example, whenever House hatches some crackpot plan to cure the patient, the most likely reactions are: Foreman sighs, Thirteen cries in outrage at first but then submits to House, the late Kutner happily signs on, and Taub looks indifferent. Of course, the other characters have to get involved too, involving such shocking developments as: Cuddy refusing to allow House’s treatment (which he ultimately gets around), Wilson giving House good advice that he doesn’t follow, Cameron trying to distance herself from the situation, and Chase looking generally confused.
Because of this, I thought that one of the best things that the show could have done, and the best thing that the show did during the premiere was to introduce a new and untested plethora of characters. When House spends most of his time around the same group of people, the personality insights tend to run out, the only source of new intellectual stimulation usually being the patients, who are generally not very smart. In the premiere, not only was House thrown into a building with at least eight new personalities, but few or none of them had any preconception of House going in. This opened up new avenues of development for the character, as he isn’t used to people attempting to approach him in an amiable of even compatriatic way. And in this case, instead of House wholesale dismissing the characters, through the course of the program he begins to open up, to build relationships, and to help people. In essence, House starts to feel good about what he does, a major change to the series, and one that I hope keeps.
Dr. Nolan, head of Mayfield Psychiatric, has seen it all before.
The most moving and effective character was Dr. Nolan, the head of the pysch ward, who is not only as stubborn and resilient as House, but is about as intelligent as well. House isn’t used to having his cage rattled by an equal, and this let Hugh Laurie expose some emotional context that helps us understand our favorite mysanthropic doctor a bit better.
The rub is, I’m not sure how long this innovative and welcome change is going to last. At the end of the double-episode, House is in fact released from the ward back into the free world, a development I did not expect, having thought that the creative team would keep him in the ward for at least a few more episodes. The reason this doesn’t sit well with me is that we just lost to the closed halls of the crazy house a multitude of dynamic and new characters that were in many cases in a position to become an important part of the show. Because of this, nex week we will see House interacting with the same seven people he’s always hanging around with, and will lose a lot of the novelty and uncertainty that was felt in the premiere. In addition, it seemed to me that the previews of next weeks episode looked like the same old House again, which disheartens me, as I wanted to at least see this newer, slightly altruistic, happy-ish House show his new self to his posse. I hope that they manage to maintain his newfound attitude though the drudge of medical mystery and misery that is sure to abound in the season to come.
All in all, the House premiere was a fresh take and welcome change on an amazing show that is managing to age extremely gracefully, and in fact get better and fresher with time - let’s just hope the production team has the nerve to stick with their guns through what promises to be an interesting and certainly surprising season.
So I (Steven) was thinking of reviewing District 9 myself, but I thought it would be much better to do a joint review on it. Zach, Jeff and I saw it last Friday night, and overall thought it fantastic. However, presented here are our more detailed opinions.
Warning: We will not censor our information, and there will be spoilers. If you haven’t seen the movie, go see it. It’s good. Really good. If you have, read on.
Jeff
I first want to point out that the only reason this movie was made (according to the Wikipedia article) was that the Halo movie fell through due to disagreements and Peter Jackson felt obligated to fund another film for Blomkamp, so, yeah, I’m really glad that they never made that Halo film (even though the trailer looked pretty sweet). Also, just to throw it out there before I get into the grit, I really, really enjoyed this movie. I don’t think I’ve enjoyed a movie in theatres this much since probably The Dark Knight.
While this film was unique and great in many ways, some of which Steven writes about below, one thing that struck me throughout the movie was a parallel, I believe intentional, between the prawns and the Formic species from Ender’s Game. The thought actually didn’t occur to me immediately, but some time into the movie when one of the “interviewees” says that the aliens don’t understand the concept of ownership. Other parts in the movie kept obscurely reminding me of the Formics as I watched, but when I got home after the movie I cracked open my copy of Ender’s Game, opened up the Formic Wiki page, and start to find more and more of what I think are references to the Formics. Among them are the lack of ownership in Prawn society, the derogatory handle of “Prawn” (corresponds to “Buggers”), a hive mind society, and also the negative human reaction to actions that the Prawns didn’t even think would be a problem. The Wiki page for the Formics deals with this, and it is a theme critical to Ender’s Game, one that I thought was quite blatantly borrowed for District 9. Says the Wiki page:
“Humanity’s first contact with the Formics resulted in bloodshed, leading humans to conclude that the Formics were hostile. However, the Formics had not intended any hostility. As a species with a hive mind, they believed that an individual is expendable. Thus, when they killed individual humans upon first contact, the Formics ‘gave it no more thought than a human would [give] clipping his toenails’. It was meant not to be a hostile act, but rather serve as an acknowledgement of human beings as another hive minded species. Once the Formics realized that humans were sentient individuals, unlike themselves, they immediately halted their attacks. Unfortunately, without any means of communication between the two species, humanity did not realize this fact.”
So once you’ve seen the movie you can see a lot of parallels that I really enjoyed between the two fictional species. Essentially, this movie was not only great as far as the cinematography, acting, and directing went, but also in that it dealt with some great themes regarding alien races that are very reminiscent of what Orson Scott Card used in Ender.
Steven
In the beginning, this movie seemed like some sort of allegory to the oppression of blacks in the early-/mid-20th century, and there were many parallels — the discrimination, the “Humans Only” signs, the treatment, the slums the aliens were living in, the derogatory “prawns” — but, in the end, it turned out to be much more than a simple metaphor.
At first, the interview-style cinematography and dialogue annoyed me, because I like my movies to be more cinema-like, and less non-fictional, but the documentary style paid off in the end, and the present-tense epilogue was very nice. The last third of the movie was solid action anyway, which made up for it.
However, the single best aspect of District 9 was how realistic of a situation it was. Aliens have almost always been portrayed as intelligent, and usually with superior technology, and these (and other) sci-fi tropes were used. What made District 9 a completely atypical alien invasion film was that it wasn’t an invasion, and it wasn’t a straight-up massacre. The humans initially tried to help the aliens, and even though this ended up badly, and with violence and discrimination, I think it portrayed a more realistic idea of what would happen if aliens actually did come to our planet. We wouldn’t blow them up a la Independence Day, we would try to make peace at first, or at least experiment on them. And if aliens came to our planet, most likely they would do so on a scientific mission, not one of conquest.
Zach
District 9 is easily one of the best movies I’ve seen in a theatre in a pretty long time. What I think seperated it most from the average alien film is the fact that the further you get into the movie, the more you want the aliens to win. Most of the humans are pretty much total assholes, whilst the majority of the aliens are portrayed as more tragic figures. And Wikus van der Marwe, the main character, isn’t your average action movie star. On multiple occasions I actually thought that he was being pretty stupid, but then, you have to realize he is really just meant to be a guy who is ridiculously freaked out about turning into an alien.
So while the first half of the movie is generally meant to pull at your heartstrings (which is does quite well), the second part is donated to nothing but complete awesomeness. This movie easily has the most number of people exploding from being shot with alien laser rifles in any movie about accepting one another I’ve ever seen. Not only that, Wikus gets in an alien Mech thing and pretty much shows everyone whose boss. It is awesome. To the billionth power.
And if all that isn’t good enough, the alien leader is named Christopher Johnson.
Conclusion
So, to conclude, District 9 was maybe one of the better movies in a while. There’s really not a whole lot more I can say to wrap this up, except for that you should definitely go and see this movie, and you should subsequently tell us what you thought of it in the comments.
I can’t honestly say that I hate Keanu Reeves, but I am seriously pissed about his casting as Spike Siegel in the new live-action Cowboy Bebop movie. Cowboy Bebop is one of my favorite Anime series of all time, and I seriously don’t think that this was a good choice. First of all, visually, Keanu does not resemble Spike at all too me. Second of all, Keanu’s character (the silent, slightly dumbfounded, somber chosen one) doesn’t fit Spike, a witty, lackadaisical butt-kicker, at all. Now that I think about it, I can’t think of a single actor that would play Spike well (except for the obvious Johnny Depp, but, bleh). Any ideas?!? We have to save this movie now!
