You are delving into the archives. Tread lightly; Shub-Niggurath and Her Thousand Young dwell near.
By chance of fate I have received one of the worst extracts of the English language in the known universe. Here it is, in its complete and original form, verbatim.
“I don’t under stand what I have done to Nate to make him feel so jelous. I am an honest person amd would never do anything to hurt him.I know I have lost his bracelet but I know i will find it soon im almost certain he means allot to me. but when im just trying to help out a friend he gets all angry I don’t understan him. I have known nate for as long as I can remember and never has he acted in such a jealous person I hope things get better soon I don’t know if I can go on much longer on such bad terms with him. Im trying to do so many things right now that I just cant handle What do I do? I will just have to wait this situation out im sure it will pass soon enough.”
Like, what the hell is this even about? Because it sure isn’t about Othello.
The dawning of a new year is and has been marked by the world’s cultures as a special occasion, meriting frivolous celebration and joviality for thousands of years. Across the globe, not always on the same date, but always every 365.25 days, people rejoice in the opportunities and excitement that awaits them in the coming year, waving banners, holding religious and cultural ceremonies, setting off fireworks, just on this one eve. The past is now over; the present is now the future. For this one shining day Earth’s huddled masses can allow themselves to be optimistic, because with the purchase of each new calendar comes the ability to fulfill long pondered goals and dreams. Right?
Well, the thing is, I’ve got some bad news – the new year means nothing. Did you think that your credit card company was going to send you a letter telling you that, since it’s a new year, they’ve decided to lower your rates? Do you think that warlords in Darfur will let their child soldiers go and have a nice dinner with their mothers? Is someone’s cancer going to recede, just because of such a special occasion? And I would assume that the ticking of a hand from one second to another on a clock somewhere in Greenwich will in some way cause world peace and end poverty (just give it a year)? While these admittedly facetious rhetoricals paint a grotesque and seemingly unrealistic portrait of our naïve expectations regarding the new year, they are not far off the mark. As the new year comes, I look around me and see nothing but excitement about the things the future of 2010 has in store for us. Excitement that I found absent in most people throughout 2009.
The problem that I have with this reactionary optimism to the new year is twofold; on the one hand, I dislike having to witness people almost deliberately dupe themselves (rest assured, that is what they are doing), and on the other, the sense of victory some people feel at the beginning of the year causes in them a debilitating elation that in many ways can hamper the social, scientific, and other progress that they are so prematurely celebrating. The problem is even more pronounced this year(though not as bad as 2000), since this is the beginning of a new decade, the first new decade in 10 years! It seemed like every day for almost a month my media smorgasbord was full of firsts of the decade, bests of the decade, things that happened in the last decade, etc. Hell, I could even say that this is the best essay I’ve written all decade, and technically I’d be telling the truth; it’s the only one so far.
But the real truth is the only reason this specific place in Earth’s orbital path around our star is in any way remarkable is because we arbitrarily label it as such. There is absolutely no noticeable change in such a small time frame that could change anything. The new year is just an excuse, something upon which to heap our unfulfilled prophesies, aspirations, fears, and adoration. The passage of a year is a great reason to give someone a medal, or buy a new car, or make a list of the top ten of something, or “turn over a new leaf”, and we want, need, to do that, because it makes us feel good, feel like accomplished human beings. But in reality, we aren’t incredibly sincere about these thing when we do them around this time, and we don’t like to maintain such a healthy optimism throughout the entire year – that would take too much effort, and we abhor effort. Instead, we use the time around the new year, the new decade, the new era, to let out all of our positive thoughts, so that they don’t get in the way of our lazy cynicism for another 12 months.
Now I don’t think that committing to a new diet, or breaking up an unhealthy relationship, or quitting your dead end job, or being nicer to your mother-in-law, or telling someone how great they are at what they do, are bad things to do. I just think that by waiting to resolve to change ourselves until a period when we can easily forget and fall off the wagon, we do ourselves and the world a huge disservice. When there is a time that everyone uses as a starting point for such large enterprises, failure is always an option – it’s not looked down upon, or mocked. In fact, it could be argued that it is more of an American tradition to drop off our New Year’s resolutions than to maintain and fulfill them. And the thing hindering us from making such great changes has nothing to do with the difficulty of the tasks, or our ability to carry these things out. It is entirely because of our outlook that we fail, and this outlook is inexorably bound with the passing of each year.
Really, all I wish is that we could make New Year’s resolutions every single day of our lives, because in reality every single morning, when we wake up, and every single step that we take as we walk to the bus, and every bite of our morning everything bagel, marks the beginning of a new year, a new decade, a new millennium, and every one of these moments is a moment in which it’s worth it to put our best foot forward. I don’t want the New Year’s celebrations to end; I want them to continue, to carry themselves out unto their final fruition, until through maintaining hope and determination to change, we can do all those things we saved for the failed resolution season, and we can really change the world.
I write a webcomic almost weekdaily at Wizzlefish. Once or twice a week I’ll publish a comic made of images (like the one above), in the style of Superpoop or A Softer World.
These are my favorite comics to write, because they’re both easy, and most hilarious. I’m told by my friends that the comedic value of this particular genre of webcomic is much higher than the others. But why is this?
This type of comic is straightforward, colorful, and easy to digest. Your average person spends, what, 2-4 seconds on a website, and if there isn’t something there to grab their attention, it’s not worth looking for it. My black and white comics with large blocks of text, a la Dinosaur Comics are funny, but they take work. The average cybergoer isn’t looking for work unless they are some sort of scholar, but in the business of webcomics, you’re audience isn’t really a bunch of intellectuals. Or maybe it is. Regardless, comic books, graphic novels, and webcomics were designed originally for quick consumption. Modern comics come in $3 magazines, eventually published as trade paperbacks that take you a few hours to read at most.
But further than that, these comics are made from photographs, mostly. Actual digital representations of people and scenery who are alive and human, not illustrations. They aren’t creations of man, they are man itself, and that is an entirely new dimension of humanity to relate to. It’s much easier to relate to an actual living person captured by a photograph than an artist’s interpretation.
So where am I going? Comedic imagery is one of the most important facets of comedy. You can’t just tell a good story and expect people to laugh. Or, you can, but the joke won’t last, the people won’t remember the story. You need images, descriptions, characterization to fully sell a joke. And what better imagery and description to use than actual images?
A good example would be memes, most of which come about in the form of captioned images. These bits of comedy arise from the stagnant cesspool called 4chan, and some of them are actually funny and make you laugh. They wouldn’t work without the images themselves, that’s what the joke is built upon. You can’t just say, “oh so there’s a cat and it’s jumping in midair and it looks like it’s riding a bicycle, like an invisible one, yeah?” That wouldn’t work. You need the picture. You need substance. You need 1000 more words.
Which do you like more, the image comics of Wizzlefish, or the regular ones?
Answer: VIDEO GAMES. The evidence is all there.
Have you guys ever played any of the Civilization series, or Spore, or any similar game? These games are all about world domination. They’re all about coming to some sort of stasis in the world, achieving some sort of universal balance. This usually happens one of two ways.
First, and easiest, you can just kill everyone. Really hard. Really fast. You’re the human, playing against computers. Chances are you’ve set it on a rather easy setting, and if you haven’t, you’re experienced enough with the game to win. The easiest and fastest way to win in Civilization is to build up an army and conquer the world. Even when conquering the world in Civilization, sure, you negotiate sometimes. But there’s usually an ulterior motive. You’re going to backstab Stalin when you’re done getting all of his spice.
This dude has no chance.
Some people try diplomacy. It ends up sometimes working. It’s a long, hard road, with many sacrifices, and your civilization ends up less territory, less expansion, less population. You achieve world peace, sure, but have you really won?
World peace truly existed, I think, when no one actually knew each other. Way before England tried to go and kill everyone and take over the world with their tea and meat-guns, everyone on the world lived in isolation. There were warring tribes, sure, and perhaps our primitivity was more prone to warfare, but if there was any chance for world peace, I think it would have had to be then. There was hardly a reason to war back then aside from greed. I think modern humanity comforts itself with thoughts that war now has much more moral basis.
We’re just killing because we have to, right guys?
So it would appear it has been a while since you fine people have been graced with the stroke of my pen. So allow me to make up for it with a subject that everyone loves: American History! Wooo!
Sure, whilst the thought of reading about the USS Maine or the dastardly Barbary corsairs might not fill your loins with with kiloamplitudes of excitement like it does me, I’m sure everyone can agree that reading about the wild antics of awesome historical people never gets old. So I’ve decided to impart upon you all my five favourite figures in American History. In FIVE different parts so that the excitement factor stays high.
Thomas Jefferson
Oh man. Look at that coat. I imagine that Jefferson immediately went out and popped a cap in some Federalists for disrespecting him after this painting was produced.
The only person on my list who isn’t some sort of insane military general, rather, Jefferson was the sort of man who played by his own rules when it came to writing the single most important document in the formation of America.
John F. Kennedy was once quoted as saying ”I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.” While this was almost certainly a subtle jab at some of the winners like Dr. Melvin Calvin (Seriously? They hand out Nobel Prizes for plants? Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll) it also helped to illustrate just how intelligent TJ was. A polymath, Jefferson excelled in such things as architecture, paleontology, archeology(he’s sometimes called the “father of archaeology), horticulture, as well as having invented a few things here and there. Monticello, his abode, contained such things as the first swivel chair, and automatic doors.
His biggest interests were reading and wine, and when the first Library of Congress was burned by the fiendish book-hating British during the War of 1812, Jefferson, who was in debt for almost all of his life, offered to sell Congress his personal library of 6,487 books, almost double of what the Library originally held. So what did Jefferson do with the $23,950 Congress gave him for all his books? Well, like any self-respecting genius, he just bought even more books and even more wine. And after his wife Martha died, Jefferson had six more kids with Sally Hemmings, one of his slaves.
"The earth belongs to the living, not to the dead."--Thomas Jefferson, in response to a question about the likihood of a zombie invasion in America.
I have found that my life gets fairly complicated when I try and mash all of my hobbies together. I want to do everything, and often find trying to focus on everything gets nothing accomplished. So, how should I manage these hobbies? How should I make sure each discipline of my life receives equal attention? How should I definitively know that development or progress is taking place within each area of interest?
A few years ago, I had a more narrow view of my life, and would often focus on just one thing for months at a time, after which I could completely disregard that interest for several weeks or months, and move onto something new. Perhaps I’m simply excited by too many things, but why should I not consider becoming a polymath? I believe that self-actualization can only come from not limiting myself. If I want, in some years, to be what I’ve always intended to be, then I can’t drop a single hobby I find beneficial.
You guys, careers are boring.
There are many methods I could take to manage my life. First of all, my work life should be organized in terms of projects, not occupations. If I’m suddenly interested in getting a wedding photography gig, then that’s what I will focus on. And maybe, once I’ve satiated that need, I can move on to maybe an idea I had for an iPhone application. And once that is published, and perchance even making a bit of money, I can concentrate on writing, or playing music.
Now, would this generate enough revenue for me to live comfortably? At this point, I’m not sure. I haven’t tested my projects vs. occupation theory, and it may not work at all. Working on several different projects may not make me the sort of cash I need. But this all depends on how I define living comfortably. I think I could be fine living in some tiny house, as long as I had a sufficient studio. I could also live on the edges of some city, perhaps even in the country, as long as I had access to the Internet, which would undoubtably be the source of my clients.
Hey what if I combined stuff?
There are people who make a living combining multiple art forms together. For example, a DJ named Simon V has a love for clouds, and for the release of a new track named Cloudspotter, he collected from his fans a gallery of photographed cloudscapes. Software engineers can specialize in a number of areas. If a programmer had an interest in music, he could work for a number of music software companies. If a philosopher had a love for television, he could write something like this.
This is how innovation in various industries occur. Living in the 21st century, we have already established several basic industries which may not change for a long time. More and more industries go obsolete, and new industries pop up at very large intervals in time. So, in order to create something new and innovative, gaps between these industries must be bridged, which can usually be done by combining art forms. Now that these industries have been around for a while, we can finally relish in specializing in fields, which are much more narrowly defined.
Hey! I have more than one interest! What should I do?
There are plenty of things someone with a number of active hobbies should try and do. First of all, narrow your life down to the hobbies you know you can invest time in. If you’re working a full-time job, you may want to develop one hobby independently until you can manage it as a job itself, and from there work up others. Each hobby will take individual development, and until even care is received by all of the interests in your life, you most likely will be frustrated.
If you don’t plan to make money from your hobbies, you have several options, but the one I most advocate is setting simple goals. For example, I was disappointed in my lackluster reading lately, so I made a pact with myself that I would read every single night. Any extra reading time was wonderful, but I made sure that every night, unless I was supremely tired, I would read a Sherlock Holmes story (as this is the collection I’m working through now). A few weeks later, I decided to work up my creative writing skills, so I made sure to write every day. Because of the intensity poured into writing something, I haven’t been able to keep that up, and recently time has been highly unforgiving.
So, for example, if you have hobbies of photography and computer science that you think could use work, I would suggest doing the following: For the photography, go thrice a week somewhere to photograph something, and try to vary locales. One day, try downtown. The next, the countryside. The next, a car factory or something. Don’t worry about results; natural talent is a myth. On the days you’re not photographing something, see if you can set aside a half hour to an hour to simply research photography. Read photography magazines, or read about techniques. Try and learn something new.
For developing your computer science skills, a different approach may be necessary, as programming is more project-based. You have two main options. The first is to purchase, or download, a programming book in the language of your choice. From there, work through the book from front to back. The second option is to think of something to build; I, for example, have a few sites I’m working on as programming projects — these sites are not ideas from any book, but simply things I’ve been wanting to make. When you have a project, you are essentially working backward from the first method I mentioned. You have an idea, and you need to find out how to make it work through research and reading. To fully develop programming skills, I would try and put in an hour or more a day.
As I mentioned earlier, you’ll want to have no bad hobbies weighing you down. Get rid of anything you know you can do the rest of your life without. To test the sustainability of your hobbies, see if you are willing to practice a certain trade until the early hours of the night. I know I could play music until 4 in the morning, but I probably couldn’t stand sewing for more than 15 minutes.
And once you’ve weaned yourself out of your full time office job, see if you can live a hobby-oriented life. Don’t worry about working for a boss, and don’t worry about sticking to one trade. If you are able to live a comfortable lifestyle doing not only one thing you love, but many, you will undoubtably be the envy of most everyone on this earth.
Guys, I have a new obsession. It’s not clouds. Just kidding! It’s clouds.
This all started a week or so ago when I looked up at the sky and thought, man, I’d really like to know what that’s called. So over the next few days, I researched clouds on Wikipedia — went through the various types and sub-types, viewed photos upon photos of incredible clouds, and learned an amazing amount of information in such a short time. I don’t think I’ve ever retained so much information from Wikipedia ever before.
So, this all led up to my goal for October — to be able to classify any sky of clouds. Obviously, I realize I will come across some I can’t classify (like the one above — any cloud experts want to help me with this one?), because they are just so odd. Some formations are caused by such strange air movement and moisture that they can’t even hope to be classified. But I have no doubt that by the end of this month I’ll have the difference between cumulus humilis and cumulus mediocris down.
Why, you might ask, would I ever need to know the names of all of the cloud formations? Well, why shouldn’t I know them? Why should I ever stop fueling my brain with the most extraneous of information? Plus, wouldn’t it be so cool if I could just be sitting around with some friends, look up at the sky, and say, “Hey guys, what do you think of that cirrus radiatus?” And they’d be like, “Ooh Steven how are you so awesome and suave?”
In addition, there’s so much to learn from clouds, primarily the forecast. What kind of person wouldn’t want the satisfaction gained from having a prediction come true, especially one that affects everyone around you? After predicting precipitation angled about 15 degrees from the NW within the next hour, once it happens you would feel like you own the sky. The world. THE FUTURE. Plus, clouds just look plain cool, and this realization was what sparked my interest in the first place. The above image, for example, depicts one of the most awesome cloud formations I’ve seen, and it’s nice knowing that you can look at that and know it’s a lenticular cloud.
So, all of this really cumulates (ho ho!) into a card I’ve made for myself on the go. It has, in space-sensitive 8 pt font, a list of all of the primary cloud types and some of the subtypes I found either common or interesting. I included a list of simple forecasts — what each cloud formation indicates — as well, to help the amateur meteorologist in me. I want to encourage the lot of you, dear readers, to look up every once in a while, and ruminate beneath a vast ocean of stratus or something.
And if you’d like a copy of my cloud classification card to help you along the way, you could acquire a PDF! It fits in most wallets!
Do you get tired of reading our posts all the time? I bet you do! Here are some links to awesome cultural supernovas currently residing on the webernets.
Dinosaur Comics
Do you like the same pictures talking about topics ranging from Schopenhauer to lesbians? If you do, and you haven’t read Dinosaur Comics, I not only pity your soul, but suggest you read some of these classic gems.
Hark! a Vagrant
Historical humor (not a very deeply plumbed niche) executed in a delightful drawing style? Enter Kate Beaton, authoress of Hark! a Vagrant. Being a fan of Poe, this one was particularly LMFAOROFL.
Bash.org
God, it’s so funny. Seriously, so funny. If you don’t read this, cats will die.
Macrochan!
True, it’s a bit 90’s, but I’m ok with that. If you want obscure references and obscene mash-ups of every meme from “yo dawg” to “mudkips”, check it out, but be warned that it’s N always SFW.
So, my friends, feast at the table of the tuboblag!
I don’t want this to be long, but I have to tell you that I rely heavily on the wonderfully versatile application for OS X known as Quicksilver, which allows me to quickly launch applications, send emails, navigate through folders, operate iTunes, and perform most other simple tasks. I am so dependent on this utility that I’m often frustrated by most other computers’ lack of launcher applications.
Anyway, if you are on a Mac, download Quicksilver now. It will change the way you work, and you will get so much more done. Muscle memory has never been so much fun! If you’re on Windows or Linux, check out Launchy (cross-platform), Skylight (Windows only), or Gnome Launch Box if you’re running Gnome. If these don’t work for you, search the Linux repositories or simply Google “quicksilver alternatives.” Good luck, and happy launching!
If there is one symbol universally accepted across the West as a symbol of hate, it is the swastika. However, as many of you may already know, this emblem has a rich history, used in nearly every major culture prior to the Third Reich. Once I had learned of the Nazi’s distortion and mutation of this symbol’s connotation (a while ago, for your information), I was furious. It was entirely unfair that millennia worth of credibility and respect for the swastika was instantly vanquished. The destruction of this symbol by the Nazis may, in fact, be one of the longest-lasting legacies of the Nazi movement, because who knows how long it will take for its original meaning to be restored?
Etymology
The name “swastika” has its roots in the Sanskrit word svastika which refers to a lucky object of sorts. In addition, Wikipedia states that the Proto-Indo-European root svasti means “well-being” or “good,” and that colloquially “swastika” can be translated as “lucky charm.” This makes it a natural choice for any organization (and has been used in logos for several), and the Nazi Party was no exception. The blue swastika you see to the right is the emblem of Lotta Svärd> a Finnish women’s organization formed around the turn of the 20th century at the beginning of the Finnish Civil War. Finland has used the swastika extensively, especially in their Air Force, where it featured until 1945, at which point the connotation of the symbol forced them to change it to a plain blue circle.
Cultural Evolution
Ultimately, the origin of the swastika can be traced back to the East during the Neolithic period, where it was and still is considered a sacred symbol for almost all Eastern religions. For Hindus, it stands for Brahma, the creator, and represents the evolution (and involution!) of the universe. For Buddhists, it represents both eternity and Dharma. The swastika is used very frequently in Jainism and appears on every temple and holy book, and most religious ceremonies start and finish with the creation of a rice swastika. Because of its historic use, the swastika is ubiquitous in southeast Asia.
Most people know some of this. Most people realize that the swastika is still used in Asian cultures, and most people realize that it was also used by the German Nazi Party. However, the swastika’s penetration into old culture goes much further than this. The symbol has been found in the art of the Ancient Greeks, the Danish, the Celtics, the Slavs. And it’s not completely unbelievable — the shape is so simple and so placid that I’m surprised it wasn’t used even more — why wasn’t this symbol embraced by the West? Why do we see it in the history of the Greeks, the Slavs, the Buddhists, the Japanese, but not the British, the French, the Americans, or the Canadians?
Swastika in Montreal
The answer: You’re wrong, and those were trick questions. It was embraced by the West! It only took us until the 20th century to realize its use. For a complete rundown of how the West used the swastika before World War II, check out this Wikipedia article. The symbol was used plenty before the Nazis got a hold of it — especially among WWI aviators as a token of good luck — and can still be found built into numerous historic buildings, including the infamous U.S. Naval base we’ve all seen.
Many symbols have been formed and transformed over the course of human history — the peace sign, hand gestures, the star, the skull, the sword — and many words have gradually lost historic definitions and connotations over time (look in any dictionary for a definition with the word “archaic” next to it), but none, to my knowledge, have been transformed as quickly as the swastika. The Nazis took this double cross, put it in a white disk on a red background, and killed whatever intrinsic good was stored inside.
But alas, not all hope is lost, and I believe ultimately we can restore the original meaning of the swastika. After all, it is used contemporarily in at least half the world, and even in the West it bears significance to obscure religions like Theosophism, Ananda Marga, and Raelism, which shares some of my beliefs towards the swastika (primarily that its historical meaning should be brought back into use). But a task such as this has to be done very carefully, as there are many ignorant people who still associate this symbol with hate (and, no doubt, they have a reason).
I wish for a society of open-minded people who don’t mind disregarding a mere war’s worth of evil connotation for several millennia of good-natured, righteous, spiritual use of the swastika. Personally, I think the swastika is, frankly, a really cool-looking symbol. It’s symmetry and simplicity makes it perfect for use in architecture and all other kinds of art, and, put quite simply, it’s extremely frustrating to have such a universal symbol so restricted. I want to be able to use this symbol, and the only thing stopping me is the Nazis. Just imagine — what if Hitler had chosen the heart? Or the Greek letter pi? Would we choose a different symbol for circular calculations? Would, if he had chosen the heart, have shirts that say “I 卐 NY?”
Since it is illegal in tons of places, try displaying this symbol privately. Tell your guests its story. Let them know it’s alright and make sure party invitations clearly state you’re not a Nazi.
Dear readers, I’m not done here. The swastika and its misuse has deeply influenced me to figure out why, how, and if this can be reversed. Expect more information, more analysis. This symbol is far too revered and far too meaningful culturally and historically to let die. We didn’t say “Ok, Nazis, that’s alright,” when they were killing people, and I don’t think we should let them kill such a pervasive and important symbol such as the swastika either.
Image Descriptions: The red swastika a few paragraphs up is the Boreyko Coat of Arms as used by the Slavs.
