Holmsian Deduction of Web Analytics
When analyzing the traffic data of CartoonNetwork.com, Jeff and I found a few surprises in exactly what seemed logical. The traffic of the website spiked on the weekends and was steadily and relatively unvisited during the work/school week. Furthermore, Alexa reported that “cartoonnetwork.com is visited more frequently by females who are in the age range 35-44, have children, received some college education and browse this site from home.”
WHAT? NEWSFLASH: Children are hacking the INTERNET! They have penetrated the very core of web analytics, Alexa Internet. How will we ever judge the web safe when unregistered users under the guises of their middle-aged mothers are crawling the internet, blurring our statistics and reaching as far as Alexa with their unstoppable machinations?
What does this mean for us? It is unavoidable proof that the Internet has applied equality to all humans. Now a mere child can wield what power he will in what we’ve built up as one of the largest free nations in history. The world is his rattle, his action figure, her doll. But that is just now! What may happen in the future?
ANIMALS ON THE INTERNET. It’s logical. It’s going to happen if this trend continues. Some twentysomething blogger might think it cute to put her five-week-old kitten on her keyboard, maybe take a few pictures with the webcam, but this is only the beginning! As mammals, with their advanced brains, are exposed to the technology that permeates every facet of human activity, they will soon learn the ways of the internet, and absolutely NOTHING will stop them.
Whoa. The single most expressive word to provide insight into my wonderment at your discovery. The very fact that middle aged mothers are just the mirage painted by the ever-calculating minds of these children points to a larger plot. Something is missing that has not been uncovered. Animals initiated the infiltration through various media sites. Their minds wandered as pixels on the internet trying to bring people under their control via cuteness. And it worked. Humans have fallen under the control of these “keyboard cats” and “lol cats”. There is not other way to describe it. The children are just the second step of infiltration, this massive socialist takeover by the indigenous species of the earth: Kingdom Animalia. Our vile hunting will be thrown back in out face. Pondering back, I am reminded of a similar story. Different enemy. “Robert Neville looked out over the new people of the earth. He knew he did not belong to them; he knew that, like the vampires, he was anathema and black terror to be destroyed. And, abruptly, the concept came, amusing to him even in his pain. … Full circle. A new terror born in death, a new superstition entering the unassailable fortress of forever.
I am legend.” - Richard Matheson
On a side note, I like the new look a lot!
NICE I Am Legend connection.
My only regret is that this news doesn’t spread to major networks. They’ll throw it out as ridiculous, but soon the news will be broadcasted by IBISES to audiences of BEAR, TIGER, and other fauna.