Pencils: Helpful Writing Utensils or Gateways To Hell?

As Jeff recently wrote about one of his pet peeves (the word “talk”), I figured that I would take this chance to TALK to you, the reader, about one of my own pet peeves, something so insidious, so fiendish, that I try to avoid using them like the plague. And not a plague of rainbows, sugar-free candy and racial harmony, but THE plague. The one that killed people. What is this accursed item? Why, none other than the pencil.

So let’s just get started with the pencil as a whole. Pencils are made out of wood-what is this, 1593? When is the last thing a tree ever did good anyhing for me? The answer is never. Trees do nothing but take up room on the Earth. Also, since trees are living things, everytime you buy a pencil, you’re endorsing murder. How do you feel about that? I bet it doesn’t feel too good knowing you’re a mass murderer does it?

Seeing as pencils are made out of graphite, you have to sharpen them. You know what you could do with all of the time you save from not sharpening pencils if you only used pen? Here’s a list of just a few of the things I came up with:

• Breathe
• Stare at a wall.
• Count
• Become an existentialist.

But no. You won’t have time to do any of those things, because you are too busy bothering everyone within a 1000 mile radius with the banshe-death screams of a pencil sharpener. And you know who else probably sharpened Pencils? Hitler. He probably used them all the time.

And even worse than normal pencils are mechanical pencils. I don’t know why they were created. It just..boggles my mind. Sure, you no longer have to sharpen them, but at the same time, if you exert even the smallest amount of pressure, the lead breaks. According to Wikipedia, the mechanical pencil was originally invented in 1822. You know what else happened in 1822? The last public whipping was carried out in Edinburgh. You know what I think…Nay, what I KNOW happened? They found an even worse punishment than being whipped. HAVING TO WRITE WITH A FRIGGIN MECHANICAL PENCIL.

Now, allow me to extol the virtues of the pen for a second. First off, everyone knows pens use ink, and ink comes from octopi. And seeing as octopi are nothing more than the undersea puppets of Satan, everytime I use a pen, I feel glad knowing I’m doing my part to make a species become extinct.

And then let’s talk about how much more extravagant pens are than pencils. When I imagine a pen, I imagine a thing of elegance, a writer daftly crafting a story of the highest caliber of prose. When I think of a pencil, I think of a brain tumor. The most expensive pencil in the world is valued at $12,800.00. Sure, that may seem expensive, but when put into comparison with the most expensive pen in the world, which costs $730,000, $12,800 seems like the amount of money one would give to a beggar. And just for those of you who didn’t instantly realize, that pen costs 10000000000x more than the pencil.

I could go on for many more pages as to why pencils drool and pens rule, but I think my case has been pretty clearly stated. So, for all you hip cats at there that are down with the jive of pens, way to go. If you use pencils, well, you’re a loser.