Is This Awesome? [y/n]

First off, I must console all of our avid fans (of which we have thousands, surely) who missed us over the weekend. Ironically, we tend to post more during the busy week than in the relatively less busy weekends. Of course, we were understandable delayed; we had to attend a 2-day long party. With chicks. And electronic music. Yeah.

Now that that’s settled, it’s time to get onto important business.

Ladies and Germs, the time has come to cast away silly pretensions, to go through life with our eyes closed, pretending we don’t know. It is the time to stop lying, to take of our masks of indifference, to stare ourselves in the face, with or without mirror, and finally admit to ourselves a simple truth:

There are people in this world named “Thorbjørn”, and we are not them.

Don’t worry, men, tears are acceptable, although if I wanted to save face, I would go grab an onion and bite into it posthaste. But you really aren’t the important people here anyway. No, the important people are the Thorbjørns of the world. Oh, Thorbjørns, what tragic figures. You are endowed with quite possibly the most manly moniker ever conceived, yet you are trapped by ice floes in the frigid north-lands of Norway, unable to contact the rest of the world and let them know how awesome your name is. Until now.

Let me enlighten any of the ignorant among our readership as per the origin of the name “Thorbjørn”. According to Wikipedia, the Norse gods frequently meddled in mortal affairs, in some cases when two Viking clans met in battle to resolve a disagreement (which happened quite often, explaining the world’s current lack of Vikings). In these cases, the gods would, and I quote, “send forth Thor to participate in the confrontation on whichever side they favored. In this case, Thor would take the form of a large black bear and charge ahead of the selected victors when the battling lines clashed, literally ripping the hapless losers to shreds.” (Wikipedia)

If you haven’t completely lost your cool by now, then you don’t fully understand. Let me explain it to you - Thorbjørn literally translates to “Thor’s bear”, i.e. the black bear into which Thor tranformed when he felt like eviscerating entire Viking clans. Not only that, but Wikipedia continues to state that both sides of the battle would lose their honor in this case, the losers for being utterly defeated (they could not retreat, for this would cause them to lose even more honor) and the winners for having such an unfair advantage (a god in the form of a bear [! {!!}]). The winners of course, could not refuse to fight, for to do so would be to displease the gods. Let’s recap. Basically, Thorbjørn rocked the battlefield so hard that he even made Vikings feel bad about winning.

“Question.”

“Yes, Jimmy?”

HOW THE HELL DID THESE PEOPLE’S PARENTS MAKE THE DECISION TO NAME THEM THUSLY?! There must be some ridiculous threshold of awesomeness that determines whether you child will be named Thorbjørn or just plain Olaf. I mean, seriously, the baby would have had to hack it’s way through its mother’s womb and jump out in full Viking garb, roaring, for me to even consider naming it Thorbjørn.

I think that there’s a lesson here for all of us, and I think it can be fairly divided into three parts:

1. Thorbjørn is the greatest name ever. Seriously, this is better than naming your kid Zeus Chuck Norris Hasselhoff. Which I don’t recommend, for the record.

2. If more people were named Thorbjørn, war would end. Don’t believe me? Then you obviously didn’t read the paragraph above about how Thorbjørn makes both sides of a battle lose, in their hearts.

3. You should name your child Thorbjørn. If you don’t, you are basically dooming the human race to extinction due to lack of awesome.

Thank you for your time.