Hot Fruit Sex

Now that I have your attention, allow me to direct you to possibly one of the most entertaining news stories I’ve read about since this story on China trying to control the weather for the olympics.

Some pretty hot stuff.

A man in England is in a tizzy over the fact that some Haribo candy wrappers feature a lime fornicating with other fruits. Now, admittedly, they do look like they are getting pretty hot and heavy, and by using the whole sex thing, I don’t know how people are avoiding the obvious idea that they are eating a fruit baby when they eat the candy. But what separates this story from other stories about inanimate objects having sex is that the fellow who finds these wrappers to be offensive has some of the best diction I have ever seen ever. Here is part of the article to show you what I mean:

Mr Simpkins of Pontefract, West Yorkshire, told The Sun: “The lemon and lime are locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter.

“The lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face.

“I demanded to see the shop manager and, during a heated exchange, my wife became quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park.”

Just based off the way that guy talks, I automatically want to side with him. I mean, ‘lurid’ and ‘carnal encounter’? The last time I heard those words used was in my fantasy Victorian-era detective show. Even better is the fact that the man’s wife is so overcome by stress when thinking about the wrappers she has to sit down in the car park. Getting frazzled about candy wrappers featuring a lime who also happens to be a player is like getting frazzled about two androgynous stick figures makin’ some loving.

In the future, everyone wears pink anti-gravity top-hats while having sex.

Does anyone else have any wild and crazy stories relating to candy? If so, why not tell them, in the comments?!