Danger Syndicate

I write a webcomic almost weekdaily at Wizzlefish. Once or twice a week I’ll publish a comic made of images (like the one above), in the style of Superpoop or A Softer World.

These are my favorite comics to write, because they’re both easy, and most hilarious. I’m told by my friends that the comedic value of this particular genre of webcomic is much higher than the others. But why is this?

This type of comic is straightforward, colorful, and easy to digest. Your average person spends, what, 2-4 seconds on a website, and if there isn’t something there to grab their attention, it’s not worth looking for it. My black and white comics with large blocks of text, a la Dinosaur Comics are funny, but they take work. The average cybergoer isn’t looking for work unless they are some sort of scholar, but in the business of webcomics, you’re audience isn’t really a bunch of intellectuals. Or maybe it is. Regardless, comic books, graphic novels, and webcomics were designed originally for quick consumption. Modern comics come in $3 magazines, eventually published as trade paperbacks that take you a few hours to read at most.

But further than that, these comics are made from photographs, mostly. Actual digital representations of people and scenery who are alive and human, not illustrations. They aren’t creations of man, they are man itself, and that is an entirely new dimension of humanity to relate to. It’s much easier to relate to an actual living person captured by a photograph than an artist’s interpretation.

So where am I going? Comedic imagery is one of the most important facets of comedy. You can’t just tell a good story and expect people to laugh. Or, you can, but the joke won’t last, the people won’t remember the story. You need images, descriptions, characterization to fully sell a joke. And what better imagery and description to use than actual images?

A good example would be memes, most of which come about in the form of captioned images. These bits of comedy arise from the stagnant cesspool called 4chan, and some of them are actually funny and make you laugh. They wouldn’t work without the images themselves, that’s what the joke is built upon. You can’t just say, “oh so there’s a cat and it’s jumping in midair and it looks like it’s riding a bicycle, like an invisible one, yeah?” That wouldn’t work. You need the picture. You need substance. You need 1000 more words.

Which do you like more, the image comics of Wizzlefish, or the regular ones?

So this “Avatar” movie is now the highest-grossing film of all time. So most people like it. It is no secret to those who know me though, that I have within me a fiery hatred for that movie usually reserved for telemarketers and precocious children. So instead of retreading why I dislike the movie so much, here is my revised draft of Avatar.

Also, I am not going to look up any of the plot points I forgot, so whatever.

Terminator/Crippled guy Jake Sully doesn’t have working legs, and is an ex-marine. Even though it’s really far in the future and mankind has mastered both space travel AND giant kickass robot building, Jake still uses a wheelchair that looks like it belongs in the 1870s.

Jake's wheelchair, back when it had the lead role in Gone With The Wind.

Pandora is a planet inhabited by a variety of freaky animal and plant life. Just some of the planet’s inhabitants are giant blue elves, purple rhinoceri, and angry cougar things that snarl alot. Also, all the plants make noise when they are touched and look like they belong in Timothy Leary’s dreams.

Jake’s brother was a fancy scientist fellow working for science/The Man, and trying to discover a way to communicate with the elves. Through the majesty of computer animation and biogenetics, the scientists create what they so cleverly dub as “avatars”-giant blue elves that are only mobile whilst someone is operating them from an MRI. In a stroke of scientific brilliance, these gajillion dollar “avatars” are only compatible with the specific DNA of whom they were designed for. Jake’s brother was supposed to be one of these “avatar” users, until he spontaneously combust under mysterious circumstances, and died.

Luckily though, Jake’s brother had a brother. Jake. And brothers share enough of the same DNA that Jake can use the Avatar meant for his brother. So Jake is approached by the Government to go “avataring” in his brother’s stead. At first, Jake declines, but after watching his brother’s corpse stuck in a cardboard box and cremated, set to a heartfelt, introspective melody, Jake agrees to go to Pandora.

The big deal with Pandora is that it has a crazy mineral/gem/rock there called Unobtanium. And the big deal with Unbtanium is that it’s worth a lot of money because it does something….exciting. You see, future-Earth isn’t Star Trek: The Next Generation future-Earth, where mankind has moved past wants. This is Huxley/Orwell dystopian future where everyone is probably an asshole to each other.

So once Jake gets to Pandora he meets the scientist people. Which consist of the Indian Guy with a Fro and Glasses, Important Science Woman who bitches a lot but probably just uses her cold outward appearance to stop people from seeing her true self, and the other guy with an “avatar” who probably spent all of his youth playing alone in his basement. When the scientists first meet Jake, they’re all kinda “What the hell? How can a crippled Jarhead be of any use to us?!” But what they don’t realize until later is that while Jake’s legs don’t work, his heart still does.

Then Jake goes and meets the marine-folk, led by scarred badass general Guy Who Played Stonewall Jackson in Gods and Generals, heretofore referred to as Jackson. Jackson thinks the scientists are all pansies trying to screw over his military operation with their peacenik “love” and “communication” nonsense, and tells Jake that if he spies on the scientists/blue people for the Marines, Jackson will make sure Jake gets working legs.

Jackson, seen here with Robert E. Lee.

Soon enough, Jake goes on his first trip in the MRI and becomes an “avatar”. After getting used to being able to walk again and being a blue elf, Jake gets lost in the forest and sassy, plays-by-her-own-rules pilot  girl-who-played-Anna Lucia-on Lost is unable to find him. Because he is, dare I say..Lost.

That night, as Jake is wondering about in the forest, he gets attacked by pygmie dog wolf things, but before the wolves can feast upon his innards, Uhura from the Star Trek remake comes and saves him. Only she isn’t Uhura, because she is blue and lives in a forest. Uhura is angry that Jake would have the audacity to try and protect himself from man-eating animals, but Jake follows her back to her home anyway because it’s not like he has any better plans.

Back at the alien’s home (which is also a giant tree), Jake meets the King and Queen of the blue people. Apparently, humans have tried to communicate with them before, because the “Na’vi” (as they are called) are suspicious of Jake, who convinces the Na’vi that he is a warrior and maybe if they work together they can overcome whatever struggles they may face. We also meet the guy that Uhura is engaged to, who is also blue and elvish, which sets up the bizzare love triangle that will soon unfold, because the sexual tension betwixt Jake and Uhura is already thick as thieves. ALSO, once upon a time one of the old Na’vi chief people rode a dragon and united all of the other blue clans together, but no one talks to the other clans now. And I personally did not even realize there were other clans until 30 minutes before the movie ended.

Uhura is tasked with teaching Jake the way of the Na’vi, which includes riding animals, and having sex with the planet non-stop, thanks to some freaky tentacles that the Na’vi, as well as everything else on the planet have, which bonds them together or somesuch nonsense. Anyway, Jake sucks at riding horses, and his skill at seducing the forest is initially subpar, but it’ll improve later on. Because if he didn’t improve he’d never be able to lead the Na’vi against the white man OH WAIT DID I SPOIL THE STORY BECAUSE IT’S OBVIOUS WHAT’LL HAPPEN TWO SECONDS INTO THE FILM.

Anywho, Jake continues reporting what he discovers to the marines and Jackson, and slowly winning over the sciency folk with his good teamwork and winning attitude. Eventually, our super science team relocates themselves to a mountain. Or it might be a floating island thing. And then Jake and Uhura fall in love and fornicate amongst the trees. Also, Jake learns how to ride a lizard-dragon thing which is kinda cool. AND THINGS THINGS TAKE A TURN FOR THE AWESOME.

Basically, by now the Man and the Marines have decided they’re tired of pussyfooting around the whole “indigenous peoples being in their way” thing, and seeing as Jake gave them all the nifty tactical info they needed to destroy the Hometree, they decide to launch an attack. Unless Jake can convince the Na’vi to leave their home. Which he attempts to do by telling everyone that he totally screwed them over, but he’s changed. He’s no longer the cripple, ex-marine who plays by his own rules. Now, he’s discovered that the only rules he needs to play by are his heart’s. But naturally, the Na’vi don’t take too kindly to learning that the fellow they’ve been trusting around their home all this time is completely responsible for the bitch-slapping that is about to ensue, and they banish him, and Uhura bitches at him because she thought Jake loved her and whatnot.

AND THEN SHIT GETS REAL.

Jackson and his marine folk blow the living hell up out of the Na’vi’s home. Except Anna Lucia decides that she’s too good to destroy the home of thousands of elves whose only crime was being too dumb to not mess with Earth. Also, Uhura’s dad get’s killed in the destruction, which of course, makes her even more angry at Jake. So now the Na’vi have to go and migrate to another part of the planet.

Artist rendition of what happened.

And in the non-blue people part of the planet, Jake, Sigourney Weaver and that loser guy are taken capture by Jackson’s forces. All hope seems lost until Anna Lucia busts them out of their prison, and the gang is pretty happy about all that until it turns out Jackson shot Sigourney Weaver WHO IS DYING because bullets kill.

It is at this point Jake, now back in Avatar form, decides the only way he’ll be able to overcome the fiendish white man is by bringing all of the elven clans together, by uniting them all under the one ring a giant dragon. Once Uhura and the Na’vi see the dragon, they realize Jake is actually the king of Gondor only hope they have left. Also, the Na’vi try to transfer Sigourney Weaver’s consciousness into her avatar, but she dies before they suceed.

So in an 80s style Montage involving Jake riding a dragon, he convinces the other elves to band together, and that the only way they can survive is if they look past their differences. Because friendship is bulletproof.

While Jake is getting all the wood-folk together, the Man decides to end the Na’vi menace once and for all by destroying another ridiculous religious symbol. Soon enough, a fight ensues, and while it initially looks like the humans will be able to throw off the yolk of the opressive elves, the forest decides to unleash all the crazy animals to attack the humans, and the Na’vi win. While this is happening, Jackson, the last bastion of truth and justice remaining on the planet, is mercilessly slaughtered by Jake and Uhura.

In the end, all of the humans are kicked off the planet, and Jake, blissfully unaware of the fact he just committed THE BIGGEST ACT OF TREASON EVER, is declared King/Vicar whatever the hell type of political system the Na’vi have.

This happiness is short lived however, because days later the entire planet is glassed by a series of nuclear explosions, and everyone dies.

The end.

If that last part were true, Avatar would be my favourite movie of all time. But it isn’t.

Alright, so I’ve been talking with a number of acquaintances recently about The Beatles and their artistic merit. Now, let me explain that The Beatles were the first musical group I ever remember listening to and also the first I was ever obsessed with. However, over the years, I seem to have “matured” perhaps, and I lost my love of The Beatles. Its not that I don’t like them anymore, its just that I’ve found so much more music that I think is so much better.

This pretty much sums up my ideas on The Beatles

I really do not like it when people decide to worship the Beatles (or any musical group, really) and I don’t like supporting a group that are, at best, extremely influential and very inconsistent, and at worst are pretentious and boring. I was trying to imagine how I could possibly reconcile my current view of them with my childhood love of the Fabs, and I decided that their biggest problem was the inconsistency and their lack of coherent album visions. If I could somehow take all of the things that seem not to fit on Abbey Road and put them with much more similar songs from other albums, to create a consistently psychedelic (or symphonic, or experimental, or whatever style best fits that song) album I think that it would greatly improve The Beatles’ catalogue and perhaps even rekindle my jaded heart for them.

Son, the Fab Four are disappoint

So, in the following months, I plan to listen to all twelve of the Fab Four’s albums very carefully and rearrange and reassemble them into some as-yet-unknown number of new albums that will provide a more linear, coherent view of John, George, Ringo and Paul as music-makers. I will post up my results on this website when I finish. Please stay tuned!

Answer: VIDEO GAMES. The evidence is all there.

Have you guys ever played any of the Civilization series, or Spore, or any similar game? These games are all about world domination. They’re all about coming to some sort of stasis in the world, achieving some sort of universal balance. This usually happens one of two ways.

First, and easiest, you can just kill everyone. Really hard. Really fast. You’re the human, playing against computers. Chances are you’ve set it on a rather easy setting, and if you haven’t, you’re experienced enough with the game to win. The easiest and fastest way to win in Civilization is to build up an army and conquer the world. Even when conquering the world in Civilization, sure, you negotiate sometimes. But there’s usually an ulterior motive. You’re going to backstab Stalin when you’re done getting all of his spice.

This dude has no chance.

Some people try diplomacy. It ends up sometimes working. It’s a long, hard road, with many sacrifices, and your civilization ends up less territory, less expansion, less population. You achieve world peace, sure, but have you really won?

World peace truly existed, I think, when no one actually knew each other. Way before England tried to go and kill everyone and take over the world with their tea and meat-guns, everyone on the world lived in isolation. There were warring tribes, sure, and perhaps our primitivity was more prone to warfare, but if there was any chance for world peace, I think it would have had to be then. There was hardly a reason to war back then aside from greed. I think modern humanity comforts itself with thoughts that war now has much more moral basis.

We’re just killing because we have to, right guys?

This game is called “What’s the connection?” If you know me, or want to know me, prepare to play this game a lot, because it is one of the highest entertainment value. Yes, it may be filler while I finish up my next articles, but I’d like you to think of it as something more, an “intuhlekshewal chalinj”, if you will. I now present the clues:

First:

Then:

Soon after:

Penultimately:

Finally:

Ok brave detectives, the hunt is on. Find the connection and you will have found the basis for my next few posts. Prepare yourselves.

Regards,
Sam

So it would appear it has been a while since you fine people have been graced with the stroke of my pen. So allow me to make up for it with a subject that everyone loves: American History! Wooo!

Sure, whilst the thought of reading about the USS Maine or the dastardly Barbary corsairs might not fill your loins with with kiloamplitudes of excitement like it does me, I’m sure everyone can agree that reading about the wild antics of awesome historical people never gets old. So I’ve decided to impart upon you all my five favourite figures in American History. In FIVE different parts so that the excitement factor stays high.

Thomas Jefferson

Oh man. Look at that coat. I imagine that Jefferson immediately went out and popped a cap in some Federalists for disrespecting him after this painting was produced.

The only person on my list who isn’t some sort of insane military general, rather, Jefferson was the sort of man who played by his own rules when it came to writing the single most important document in the formation of America.

John F. Kennedy was once quoted as saying ”I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.” While this was almost certainly a subtle jab at some of the winners like Dr. Melvin Calvin (Seriously? They hand out Nobel Prizes for plants? Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll) it also helped to illustrate just how intelligent TJ was. A polymath, Jefferson excelled in such things as architecture, paleontology, archeology(he’s sometimes called the “father of archaeology), horticulture, as well as having invented a few things here and there.  Monticello, his abode, contained such things as the first swivel chair, and automatic doors.

His biggest interests were reading and wine, and when the first Library of Congress was burned by the fiendish book-hating British during the War of 1812, Jefferson, who was in debt for almost all of his life, offered to sell Congress his personal library of 6,487 books, almost double of what the Library originally held. So what did Jefferson do with the $23,950 Congress gave him for all his books? Well, like any self-respecting genius, he just bought even more books and even more wine. And after his wife Martha died, Jefferson had six more kids with Sally Hemmings, one of his slaves.

"The earth belongs to the living, not to the dead."--Thomas Jefferson, in response to a question about the likihood of a zombie invasion in America.

Oh. Hey. Look who published another post.

I’ve been sick the past two days, which, surprisingly, has given me more time to do things, so I guess it’s a little unfair to get all over the rest of the D-Syn team, but seriously, you guys. Seriously.

Anyway, I have been spending my days of illness working primarily on my DJing skills and amassing from the far corners of the tubes samples galore, and all of it has come to fruition with the release of the following DJ mix. No post production. I recorded it while performing, exported to WAV, didn’t touch a thing. All of it was done with Ableton Live.

Full track list:
0:00 Deep Thought Sample
0:12 I Like Rhythm - Adam K, Soha
3:57 Peep Show - Tall Paul
8:39 Bass It Up - Groovy Cuvy
14:24 What’s The Difference - ** Original Track **
24:25 Charlotte - Booka Shade
27:29 Redemption - Booka Shade
31:11 To Hell With Our Orders - ** Original Track **
35:56 Electro Music Sex - Purple Project
38:35 Hip Rave Anthem - Rico Tubbs
42:05 Precinct - Stanton Warriors
46:40 Sarcacid Part 1 - Squarepusher (just for fun)
52:40 You Wanna Try It Pokey? -No Thanks, I Prefer Grass

Want this mix on your iPod or iTunes? Feel free to download!

I have found that my life gets fairly complicated when I try and mash all of my hobbies together. I want to do everything, and often find trying to focus on everything gets nothing accomplished. So, how should I manage these hobbies? How should I make sure each discipline of my life receives equal attention? How should I definitively know that development or progress is taking place within each area of interest?

A few years ago, I had a more narrow view of my life, and would often focus on just one thing for months at a time, after which I could completely disregard that interest for several weeks or months, and move onto something new. Perhaps I’m simply excited by too many things, but why should I not consider becoming a polymath? I believe that self-actualization can only come from not limiting myself. If I want, in some years, to be what I’ve always intended to be, then I can’t drop a single hobby I find beneficial.

You guys, careers are boring.

There are many methods I could take to manage my life. First of all, my work life should be organized in terms of projects, not occupations. If I’m suddenly interested in getting a wedding photography gig, then that’s what I will focus on. And maybe, once I’ve satiated that need, I can move on to maybe an idea I had for an iPhone application. And once that is published, and perchance even making a bit of money, I can concentrate on writing, or playing music.

Now, would this generate enough revenue for me to live comfortably? At this point, I’m not sure. I haven’t tested my projects vs. occupation theory, and it may not work at all. Working on several different projects may not make me the sort of cash I need. But this all depends on how I define living comfortably. I think I could be fine living in some tiny house, as long as I had a sufficient studio. I could also live on the edges of some city, perhaps even in the country, as long as I had access to the Internet, which would undoubtably be the source of my clients.

Hey what if I combined stuff?

There are people who make a living combining multiple art forms together. For example, a DJ named Simon V has a love for clouds, and for the release of a new track named Cloudspotter, he collected from his fans a gallery of photographed cloudscapes. Software engineers can specialize in a number of areas. If a programmer had an interest in music, he could work for a number of music software companies. If a philosopher had a love for television, he could write something like this.

This is how innovation in various industries occur. Living in the 21st century, we have already established several basic industries which may not change for a long time. More and more industries go obsolete, and new industries pop up at very large intervals in time. So, in order to create something new and innovative, gaps between these industries must be bridged, which can usually be done by combining art forms. Now that these industries have been around for a while, we can finally relish in specializing in fields, which are much more narrowly defined.

Hey! I have more than one interest! What should I do?

There are plenty of things someone with a number of active hobbies should try and do. First of all, narrow your life down to the hobbies you know you can invest time in. If you’re working a full-time job, you may want to develop one hobby independently until you can manage it as a job itself, and from there work up others. Each hobby will take individual development, and until even care is received by all of the interests in your life, you most likely will be frustrated.

If you don’t plan to make money from your hobbies, you have several options, but the one I most advocate is setting simple goals. For example, I was disappointed in my lackluster reading lately, so I made a pact with myself that I would read every single night. Any extra reading time was wonderful, but I made sure that every night, unless I was supremely tired, I would read a Sherlock Holmes story (as this is the collection I’m working through now). A few weeks later, I decided to work up my creative writing skills, so I made sure to write every day. Because of the intensity poured into writing something, I haven’t been able to keep that up, and recently time has been highly unforgiving.

So, for example, if you have hobbies of photography and computer science that you think could use work, I would suggest doing the following: For the photography, go thrice a week somewhere to photograph something, and try to vary locales. One day, try downtown. The next, the countryside. The next, a car factory or something. Don’t worry about results; natural talent is a myth. On the days you’re not photographing something, see if you can set aside a half hour to an hour to simply research photography. Read photography magazines, or read about techniques. Try and learn something new.

For developing your computer science skills, a different approach may be necessary, as programming is more project-based. You have two main options. The first is to purchase, or download, a programming book in the language of your choice. From there, work through the book from front to back. The second option is to think of something to build; I, for example, have a few sites I’m working on as programming projects — these sites are not ideas from any book, but simply things I’ve been wanting to make. When you have a project, you are essentially working backward from the first method I mentioned. You have an idea, and you need to find out how to make it work through research and reading. To fully develop programming skills, I would try and put in an hour or more a day.

As I mentioned earlier, you’ll want to have no bad hobbies weighing you down. Get rid of anything you know you can do the rest of your life without. To test the sustainability of your hobbies, see if you are willing to practice a certain trade until the early hours of the night. I know I could play music until 4 in the morning, but I probably couldn’t stand sewing for more than 15 minutes.

And once you’ve weaned yourself out of your full time office job, see if you can live a hobby-oriented life. Don’t worry about working for a boss, and don’t worry about sticking to one trade. If you are able to live a comfortable lifestyle doing not only one thing you love, but many, you will undoubtably be the envy of most everyone on this earth.

Guys, I have a new obsession. It’s not clouds. Just kidding! It’s clouds.

This all started a week or so ago when I looked up at the sky and thought, man, I’d really like to know what that’s called. So over the next few days, I researched clouds on Wikipedia — went through the various types and sub-types, viewed photos upon photos of incredible clouds, and learned an amazing amount of information in such a short time. I don’t think I’ve ever retained so much information from Wikipedia ever before.

So, this all led up to my goal for October — to be able to classify any sky of clouds. Obviously, I realize I will come across some I can’t classify (like the one above — any cloud experts want to help me with this one?), because they are just so odd. Some formations are caused by such strange air movement and moisture that they can’t even hope to be classified. But I have no doubt that by the end of this month I’ll have the difference between cumulus humilis and cumulus mediocris down.

Why, you might ask, would I ever need to know the names of all of the cloud formations? Well, why shouldn’t I know them? Why should I ever stop fueling my brain with the most extraneous of information? Plus, wouldn’t it be so cool if I could just be sitting around with some friends, look up at the sky, and say, “Hey guys, what do you think of that cirrus radiatus?” And they’d be like, “Ooh Steven how are you so awesome and suave?”

In addition, there’s so much to learn from clouds, primarily the forecast. What kind of person wouldn’t want the satisfaction gained from having a prediction come true, especially one that affects everyone around you? After predicting precipitation angled about 15 degrees from the NW within the next hour, once it happens you would feel like you own the sky. The world. THE FUTURE. Plus, clouds just look plain cool, and this realization was what sparked my interest in the first place. The above image, for example, depicts one of the most awesome cloud formations I’ve seen, and it’s nice knowing that you can look at that and know it’s a lenticular cloud.

So, all of this really cumulates (ho ho!) into a card I’ve made for myself on the go. It has, in space-sensitive 8 pt font, a list of all of the primary cloud types and some of the subtypes I found either common or interesting. I included a list of simple forecasts — what each cloud formation indicates — as well, to help the amateur meteorologist in me. I want to encourage the lot of you, dear readers, to look up every once in a while, and ruminate beneath a vast ocean of stratus or something.

And if you’d like a copy of my cloud classification card to help you along the way, you could acquire a PDF! It fits in most wallets!

Hey, reader, do you have approximately 10 hours free right now? Because if you do, I would highly encourage you use them to watch these five movies. Movies which, while not necessarily my five favorite movies of all time, had a really awesome impact on me, an impact that I want to share with all of you (in no particular order). So, rustle up a few dozen bags of popcorn and sit back in what is hopefully a comfortable chair as I show you some of the most powerful, scariest, and most ridiculous films I’ve ever seen.

1. Inglourious Basterds (2009)

Without a doubt Quentin Tarantino’s masterpiece, Basterds is a cut above Deathproof, Kill Bill, Reservoir Dogs, even Pulp Fiction. To call it satire wouldn’t be entirely correct - there is a certain amount of relish with which Tarantino murders Germans in this film, and the Basterds, played by stereotyped New York Jews, seem to take a true pleasure in laying waste to Nazi scum. In addition to being immaculately conceived and written, this movie features what is by far my favorite Brad Pitt role, ever. Brad Pitt is unique among Hollywood stars in that he often acts in very pulpy movies, a risky move that pays off hugely here. This movie’s script, actors, and gore level take completely advantage of the American subconscious; playing off our inherent loathing of Nazis, it takes violence to beyond extreme and yet paradoxically has us all hooting in joy when a poor German soldier’s head gets blown off. Perhaps that’s the social commentary Tarantino wants us to see. Or maybe he just likes blowing up SS officers as much as we do.

2. The Fall (2006)

The most beautiful movie I have ever seen, hands down. Not hugely known in the mainstream, this movie, directed by well-known Indian music-video/commercial director Tarsem Singh, is a complete trip, and the kind of movie that you will probably only ever see once in your lifetime. Set in early 20th century Los Angeles, the plot follows an injured (and suicidal) stuntman in the hospital and his interactions with a young immigrant orange-picker who has fallen and broken her arm. Plotting to gain the child’s trust in an effort to further his own agenda, the stuntman weaves an immense, fantastic tale for the girl, which grows to almost completely dominate and parallel the real-world plot of the movie. The movie quickly evolves from a silly child-adult bonding story into a sprawling narrative that studies the impulses of hope, revenge, and despondency, all of which are cleverly presented alternately from an adult’s and a child’s point of view. In addition to stunning cinematography and gorgeous settings (the film was shot in a number of countries), the character development is superb, and the drama is honestly tear-jerking. A must, must, must see.

3. Seven (1995)

One of my favorite movies of all time, and what I think is the best ever crime movie. A close second to Basterds in roles that Brad Pitt has played, and one of Morgan Freeman’s most pessimistic, yet poignant, portrayals. The story centers around an unknown serial killer who is killing one victim for each of the seven deadly sins (gluttony, wrath, pride, sloth, greed, lust, and envy for anyone who wasn’t an altar boy), and the dynamic duo of old, seen-it-all cop (Freeman) and young, brazen cop (Pitt). And if the premise wasn’t interesting enough, the movie is extremely well executed, with equal parts action, suspense, and psycho-babble, as well as probably the most mind-blowing ending to any movie ever. Ever. You will crap your pants.

4. Rec (2007)

If you’ve seen Quarantine, then you’ve seen how scary a concept it is to be trapped in a locked off apartment complex with a bunch of zombies, but to see the idea executed at the highest possible quality, you seriously need to pick up Rec. The movie that inspired Quarantine, this Spanish film ranks up there on the scariest movies of all time. Even with the English subtitles on, the tension is palpable, and the ingenious first-person documentary-style cinematography inspires intense creepy crawlies and enables some great compositional setups throughout the movie. The plot is simple, almost minimalist, but to be honest, a simple evil is so much scarier than a complex one. A complex evil had to get that way, had to go through a process, and the process may not always be complete, whereas a simple evil just is. Is not Azathoth, the idiot god, feared above all others in the host of the heavens for his blind power and thirst for chaos?*

5. Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

Remember the middle ages, when badasses were badasses, no matter what religion they belonged to? Kingdom of Heaven takes a new look at a very old issue that is especially relevant in a post-9/11 world, namely; how different are ‘we’ from ‘them’? During the time of the crusades, Jerusalem was considered a city of holy peace, a place were Jews, Christians, and Muslims could co-exist peacefully. However, white western Christians, unsurprisingly hell-bent(haha) on securing complete dominion over inferior races and belief-systems (God, what is it with those white western Christians?), decide to make trouble in the neighborhood. Over the course of a beautifully made and acted film (especially Edward Norton’s role as a leprous king) we discover what barriers truly lie between two ‘opposing’ idealogies.

*If you aren’t familiar with the works of H. P. Lovecraft, master of horror fiction, then you might be a bit confused. Learn some more here.